the frustration

You know that feeling, where you want to point out that someone is being so blatantly hypocritical or their sense of logic is just stupid stupid stupid. Especially when their admiration is appearance-orientated. You find yourself in the verge of criticising their point of view, then you realise, you believe in it too.

Sometimes, I just feel probably say exactly the same thing about me behind my back which is why I always feel the need to speak out, but I don't, because hey, I think the same.

So I guess, that's puts me in a difficult position. I like ballet. Correction: I like ballet a LOT. So when it comes to appearance, I definitely definitely do not win. Let's look at the checklist:

- tall NOPE
- skinny/bmi of 14 NOPE
- perfect turnout NOPE
- pretty NOPE
- has long legs NOPE
- has small torso NOPE
- has hips roughly same width as shoulders NOPE
- small boned NOPE

After those points, I probably sound like a person with serious self-esteem issues or has a serious problem with my appearance. Neither is correct. I just don't have a great body. So I'm basically caught between loving something that demands that I have a good body and not believing in what it demands.

Sometimes, I do look in the mirror and want to actually give up what I love because of what I know people say, not about me, but about others, which I know apply to me, if not more. I find myself wishing I wasn't born the way I am or that I was like someone else. Had their parents, or their wealth, or their appearance. But it amounts to nothing, because it won't happen. Especially the first, why would I want someone else's parents. That's just ridiculous.

I think it would help a lot if maybe we weren't so appearance-orientated. Huh. So NOW it probably sounds like I'm jealous of other people because they look way better than me. And you're probably thinking, well DUH or this person should seriously stop thinking about what other people think about her. But that's the whole point, the whole point of the human psyche, making actions and thinking thoughts because of what other people think of them and sometimes, I just feel so so so inadequate in every way.

Is it weird to say, I almost dread going back to ballet? I love the comfort it gives me. But I stand out, because I'm the only one whose parents can't afford or won't let me buy leotards that fit me well, or pointe shoes that suit me. My technique will look shabby compared to theirs because I only do a few hours a week whereas they do a few hours a day. I dread it when the teacher praises me because I know deep down that it's just to make me feel better. And I dread it even more when the people in the class look at me as if to ask, "Why are you here?"

Perhaps, this is the age of inadequacies or the feeling of ienadequacy. 14 and getting a little more questioning every day.

So the whole entire point of me writing this is to make myself a little better, which it actually hasn't, and sort of say, beauty is only skin deep. As is being skinny. Or wearing pretty clothes. I suppose everyone is entitled to be skinny and wear pretty clothes and be beautiful if it's a natural thing, but when it comes to the point, where it does become the only-talked about thing and the thing divides those who are inadequate and adequate in your eyes, it really shouldn't be.

For god sake, wear your nice-looking clothes, be beautiful. But always remember, that some people won't be like that for whatever situation they are in. Why can't we replace comments like, "Her jumper makes her look so skinny" *insert massive gush* "and her legs are so long" with things like, "She's such a nice person" or "she puts herself before others".

Now that would be a change.

the time zipping away

I BARELY get time on the internet these days, kudos of the parents.

So since the last tennis-related post:

- Sam lost in 2nd round of Brisbane Int to Jarmila Groth
- Sam lost in 2nd round of Sydney in Sveta (looks bad on paper but was actually a really good match)
- Sam won 1st round against Lauren David 6-1 6-1
- AUS OPEN BEGAN!!!!!!!!!!
In other news:
- Dinara lost to Kim Clijsers..... 6-0 6-0
- Rafa through 6-0 5-0 before his opponent (name has slipped out of the deep chasm of my mind)
- Federer through in easy 3 sets
- Murray through in 3 sets
- Sharapova through
- Wozzy (Caro Wozniacki) through against Gisela Dulko 6-4 6-3
- Vera through
- Venus through - the outfit is hideous

That's the stuff off the top of my head for now =D

walking.

I love to walk. I can't get enough of it. Last night, Mum and I walked all the way to our local library which takes about 5 minutes to drive to? It took us about half an hour to walk to.

Walking is just so therapeutic. Who cares if you're tired and sore and your head hurts and you feel depressed? Just keep putting one foot in front of another, and you'll get somewhere. I didn't even realise my suburb had such awesome houses. There was this street which had all these massive houses, that didn't even LOOK like houses, but like estates. They had massive driveways and 'front gardens' if you like. It looked like the kind of house built entirely thoughtful towards the fact that you had a horse-drawn carriage that you went in everywhere. Most of the hosues had names rather than numbers.

As the twilight was setting in, I realised how I infinitely preferred going for a walk than sitting at home doing nothing. I wish I could go on walks more with my parents. It's so calming. The faster you walk, the better you feel. The more ferociously you rip off a leaf from a person's hedge, the less ferociously you will do so later on.

Drink in the scent of the sweet summer air.

And walk somewhere.

family

One thing I will eternally be grateful for is my family. Every day, I feel as if I really have been blessed with the most loving, caring and thoughtful family a person could have. Being an only child, many people might be predisposed to believe that I am spoilt. I am not. I can tell you that much.

As I'm sure many children, I had the temperament of a cyclone. I didn't like my family one bit because of the confines that my day-t0-day life was squeezed inside. I look back upon the discipline my parents taught me, and am glad for it.

My mummy may seem stern, but she is the kindest and most patient person I think I will ever know. Whenever I have those little moments where I wish the world would crash and burn and I inflict my feelings on the person closest to me, she would reply to me in a tone that would immediately calm me. After one second, I saw I had foolish for what I had said. My mum is always offering to help and refusing help herself. She puts me in my place, as anyone should be and it is her who helped me get through a tough year. She works so hard, yet I can only thank her so much.

My daddy is the most hilarious, kind, caring, thoughtful, patient.... in fact, every virtue a person could have, he has. Regardless of his hard draining day at work, he always musters the energy to help, to share and to encourage me. He often describes to me the life he used to lead, and explains to me why I should lead a better life. He has taught me great lessons that I will always keep treasured.

However cliched, I love my parents so much. Every day, I wish them happiness, health and a long life. I cannot think of two other people on this planet who deserve these three more than they do.

<3

dance.

It feels like AGES since I've gone to a ballet lesson. I WISH I COULD GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

Problem 1: so expensive it hurts

Problem 2: such long hours. It's 6 hours a day, Monday to Friday, for 2 weeks

Problem 3: parents are against me doing more ballet

Problem 4: I am hardly friends with most of the people who would go to Summer School

Problem 5: I'd look really bad compared to all the people, some of which come all the way from QLD just to come.

Problem 6: I swear I have gained so much weight over the holidays that my leotard would be bursting from all the fat rolls that I am now in possession of. Ok. So that's probably exaggerated but doing Summer School with all those people who actually look like ballet dancers (UNLIKE ME) wouldn't help me feel much better about my situation.

Damn.

ANITAAAAAAAA COME BACK TO AUSSSSSSS

The tennis season is starting to firing up, and I don't have Anita to talk about random players and random Forty Deuce stuff that we always talk about, especially in Science. SHe's not even IN the country.

Anyway, she'd be happy to know that Rafa beat Roger at the Abu Dhabi finals (I think that's how you spell it?). Then they did this:

Pretty cool eh? This isn't the best shot but Rafa and Roger where promoting teh Qatar Open, on water. No wonder Qatar won the 2022 Fifa bid. THEY'RE SUPER MEGA FREAKING RICH. If I ever meet a person from Qatar (a Qatarian?), all I'll ever see in them is dollar signs zinging in their eyeballs and gold running right through their veins.

In the meantime, the Brisbane International got off to a pretty good start. Sam won her 1st round match yesterday against a Czech qualifier Lucie Hradecka 7-6(1) 6-1. The start was really shaky. Actually, I managed to watch the first bit before my mum started chastising me for watching television (ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!) She was down 2-0 in the first set. It rained and after the delay, the tables turned and Sam was back on her game and just did her thing in the 2nd set.

Some things went a little unexplained during the match though:

Sam... pink? WHAT THE HECK???!!!! Forty Deuce made her own judgement on other aspects: "Let's talk about the thing that's on all our minds: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO, LACOSTE??? Sleeves??? A logoless cap that looks like it was bought at a truck stop in Santa Cruz??? SLEEVES??? I mean, yay to separates, but SLEEVES???!!!???!!??!."

I was skimming thorugh the Aus Open site to see if they had anything interesting articles and they did. It was about predictions for 2011. Here's the gold:

Australian Open: Djokovic, Clijsters
Roland Garros: Nadal, Stosur
Wimbledon: Nadal, Serena
US Open: Federer, Sharapov

Me likey ;)

Sam's 2nd round match against fellow compatriot Jarmila Groth is on tonight. The bad news is that Channel 7 has ditched covering it in favour of Scrubs or something or rather. ==' Well, I'll be hooked up to my laptop getting square-eyed and all following the little blip of the digits on the live scoring.